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There may come a time where you find yourself having to plan or carry out the final wishes for a friend or family member…..or even yourself.
Do you know how or when you can plan a funeral?
Did you know that there are actually funeral and burial laws that impact what you can and can’t do?
Do you know what steps you can take in advance of passing?
You’ve probably got some tough questions that need answering, and knowing some facts can make a huge difference in how you move through this process…
….And if you’ve landed here, I’m sure you or a loved one may be going through something difficult right now, so I want to really acknowledge your taking the hard step to learn more about this.
So let’s dive in …
NJ has a special form that you can fill out ahead of time to put someone in charge of making burial arrangements and funeral tasks when you die. This person you choose has sole authority to make these decisions. You can also use the form for specific requests like cremation versus casket, choice of funeral home, casket or urn design, an open or closed casket, even preferences for the music or flowers or clothing you’d be buried in.
Click here for the form Appointment of Agent to Control the Funeral and Disposition of Remains: https://www.njconsumeraffairs.gov/cem/Applications/Cemetery-Appointment-of-Agent-to-Control-the-Funeral-and-Disposition-of-Remains.pdf
Contrary to popular belief, the Executor isn’t automatically the person in charge of your funeral or ashes, so you can and should name a Funeral Agent in your Last Will. The Agent can be the same person you name as the Executor, but it can also be someone completely different.
Keep in mind: Your Will becomes public record if it needs to be filed with the Court to be probated, so think about whether this is the right place to showcase those final requests.
If you don’t choose who’s in charge, NJ will choose for you.
My point: take the opportunity to pick a person who is the most closely aligned and feels the most comfortable carrying out any of your final wishes. Without written instructions, NJ Statute 45:27-22 puts the following people in charge of decisions*:
Surviving spouse or civil union/domestic partner
The majority of the surviving adult children (often the oldest child will be looked to for direction)
The surviving parent or parents
A majority of the siblings
Other next of kin (depending upon their relation to you or the deceased person)
If there are no known living relatives, a cemetery may rely on the written authorization of anyone else acting on behalf of the Decedent (ex: Executor or Administrator of the estate)
*the right to authorize transport of a body, to make cremation or funeral arrangements and to select funeral merchandise
Keep in mind that the lineup above is essentially the same as those who have the right to be appointed as Administrator of your estate and inherit your estate, if you die without a Will. (N.J. Stat. §§ 3B:5-3; 3B:5-4 (2024).)
You might be interested [or horrified] to learn that certain family members that you’d assume would be in charge, aren’t, and those that wouldn’t or shouldn’t be in charge at all, are.
For instance:
A divorced spouse has no legal right to control the funeral or make burial decisions, but
a separated spouse does (unless there is a restraining order in place)
A civil union or domestic partner** has no right to control the body disposition or funeral unless the civil union is licensed by the state or the domestic partnership is registered with the state (with a certificate).
** NJ recognizes out of state and foreign same sex marriages automatically as civil unions and don’t have to be registered with NJ.
www.state.nj.us/health.vital
Not many people have heard of Funeral Trusts, but they are a really helpful way to let people make arrangements and pre-pay their funeral. This not only takes the decision-making burden off of already grieving family, but ensures that the cost is covered.
Here are 2 options available with the help of a funeral director:
· You can set up a revocable account with just your money; you can change the funeral home and services or merchandise at any time with NO penalty. If you set up an irrevocable (i.e. unchangeable) funeral trust account as a recipient of SSI/Medicaid/General Assistance, this is non-refundable and any excess reverts to the State.
· You can pool your money with the NJ Prepaid Funeral Trust Fund (NJPFTF) also known as CHOICES. www.njsfda.org
42 states let families carry out burial and funeral tasks totally by themselves.
But NJ is among the 8 states with funeral laws that require assistance by a licensed funeral director for certain steps like:
· Completing and filing the death certificate with the local registrar
· Getting the permit for burial or transportation of the body
· Attending any interment or cremation (with the 24-hour mandatory waiting period) to make sur it complies with the permit
In New Jersey, embalming isn’t required (unless out-of-state transportation is requested) and you can consider a green or natural burial with your home funeral.
To read more about the options in NJ go to www.us-funerals.com/green-burial-directory
You’ve probably seen movies where the deceased has left behind pretty strict (sometimes crazy) instructions about cremation and where and how they want their ashes scattered.
Fortunately, while burial in NJ is pretty strictly regulated, the management of ashes isn’t and I’ve seen clients choose some pretty unique options over the years. Here are a few acceptable options you might not know about:
o Your own backyard
o Public Land – but the rules vary from town to town, so do your research first!
o National Parks – Check out all 12(!) in NJ at www.nps.gov
o Burial at Sea – must be 3 nautical miles from shore with 30 days notice to EPA
Use a biodegradable bamboo Eco Water Urn that floats like a buoy (giving you time to share a few special words) before dissolving to allow the ashes to spread into the water
o Living Tree burial – visit www.thelivingurn.com for indoor and outdoor options
We’ve known clients to keep ashes in jewelry or even a Christmas ornament. There are lots of meaningful options.
Some states have relaxed their laws to allow cemeteries to create special areas for human-pet burials, but unfortunately, NJ hasn’t jumped in yet to allow any furry family members (or scaly, or feathery) to be buried in a human cemetery. So be sure not to include that kind of special request in your Will if it can’t be properly (legally) carried through.
For anyone who can’t bear to spend eternity without their four-legged friend, NJ does allow for human ashes to be buried with their pets in pet cemeteries.
To read more about these human-pet friendly locations:
www.friends4everpetcrematory.com/services/burial and www.petmeadow.com
Believe it or not, there’s such a thing called the FTC Funeral Rule that protects you when funeral shopping.
Essentially the rule requires that Funeral Directors have to give you:
· info over the phone if you ask for it (and you don’t have to give your contact information first!)
· a written, itemized price list called a General Price List (GPL)
· the right to buy things separately and not have to take a package that includes things you don’t want
· the option to use a casket or urn you bought somewhere else (like Amazon or Costco!)
· the option to use an alternative container for cremation instead of a casket
· a written estimate once you decide what you want but before you pay
In short, if you are planning a funeral, know your rights!
If the word ‘cemetery’ conjures up visions of crooked, marble headstones and creaky gates for you, I’ll tell you that cemeteries can be warm and welcoming havens too.
In New Jersey, cemeteries have all sorts of regulations and costs, so make sure you are on the right path to finding a location that meets your preferences and budget.
Some cemeteries pride themselves as ‘full service’ and they don’t disappoint. One unexpected, hidden gem is Princeton Abbey and Cemetery located in Princeton. If you are looking for a non-sectarian space that is majestic and full of meaning with countless options for burial, cremation or memorialization, the former St. Joseph’s College is it. Beyond the beautiful English Gothic Chapel, with stained glass, the staff is inviting and knowledgeable. You can also take advantage of their Daily Grief Steps Emails, a year-long offering of daily grief support emails to families.
www.princetonabbey.com
Whether you are planning a funeral for yourself or a loved one, my best suggestion is to sort out any preferences and special requests as far in advance as possible. And definitely don’t overlook what a valuable resource Funeral Directors can be and the valuable services they provide: I’m constantly hearing from clients who’ve worked with compassionate and supportive funeral directors all over the Garden State. Beyond being known for their professional discretion, they are specially trained and follow high standards.
These can be difficult conversations, but being informed means being better able to honor your wishes or those of a loved one..
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